There’s a fine line between expanding yourself and abandoning yourself.
Between saying “yes” to growth and saying “yes” to your own undoing.
In a world that often glorifies pushing past fear, we don’t talk enough about the importance of knowing when to stop, not because you’re scared, but because something genuinely isn’t in alignment. Especially for marginalized folks, the pressure to constantly prove our strength can make it hard to tell the difference between a necessary stretch and self-erasure.
So, how do you know when to lean into discomfort and when to walk away?
Let’s explore both sides of this tension.
What Is Exposure and Why Does It Matter?
In therapeutic terms, exposure therapy is a technique used to help people gradually face things they fear or avoid. The goal is to reduce emotional reactivity over time, essentially, to train the nervous system that “this thing won’t break me.”
This kind of intentional discomfort is a powerful tool for healing trauma, building resilience, and reclaiming agency. And in everyday life, many of us use exposure without knowing it:
Speaking in public despite social anxiety.
Setting a boundary for the first time.
Saying “yes” to love after heartbreak.
These moments are uncomfortable but they often leave you feeling freer afterward.
But What About That Inner Nudge?
Here’s where it gets tricky.
Not all discomfort is a sign to “push through.”
Sometimes, it’s your intuition saying, “No, not this. Not now.”
Psychologist Dr. Thema Bryant, a Black scholar and past president of the American Psychological Association, reminds us that healing is not just about what we endure, it’s about what we release. She writes:
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”
In other words, growth doesn’t mean constantly living in survival mode. And while exposure can be helpful, it must be balanced with discernment.
How to Tell the Difference: Push Through or Pull Back?
Here are five practical ways to check in with yourself when you’re unsure:
1. Notice the Aftermath
Growth discomfort often leaves you feeling proud, clear, or energized after the challenge.
Boundary-crossing discomfort leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or resentful, sometimes for days.
Ask: How do I feel after the fact? More whole or more hollow?
2. Check for Compulsion vs Curiosity
Are you moving from curiosity “What if I tried this?”
Or compulsion“I have to do this or I’ll let someone down”?
When the action is driven by guilt or fear of rejection, it’s likely a boundary issue not a growth opportunity.
3. Consider the Pattern
Have you done this kind of pushing before?
Did it help you expand, or did it deepen a wound?
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford of Therapy for Black Girls often says, “Everything ain’t for everybody. And everything ain’t for right now.”
4. Body Check: What’s Your Nervous System Saying?
A challenge aligned with growth may still feel scary but your body feels open or alert.
A misaligned decision may feel like tightness, a pit in your stomach, fatigue, or irritability.
Learning to read these cues is key. As somatic healer Resmaa Menakem teaches in My Grandmother’s Hands, the body holds the wisdom and often the trauma of our choices. When your body says no, listen.
5. Whose Voice Are You Listening To?
Is the push coming from your values or from expectations placed on you?
Sometimes we say “yes” because we’re still playing old roles: the achiever, the fixer, the strong one. But liberation means rewriting those scripts.
Closing Thoughts: Growth Without Self-Abandonment
There will be times when growth asks you to be brave. And there will be times when peace asks you to be still.
The work is learning to tell them apart and trusting yourself when you do.
Let this be your reminder:
You don’t need to suffer to grow. You just need to stay aligned.
Growth is not a performance.
It’s a return to wholeness.
Further Reading from Black Scholars & Healers:
Dr. Thema Bryant – Homecoming: Overcome Fear and Trauma to Reclaim Your Whole, Authentic Self
Dr. Joy Harden Bradford – Therapy for Black Girls podcast (Episode on Boundaries and Guilt)
Resmaa Menakem – My Grandmother’s Hands
Tricia Hersey – Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto
Alexandra Elle – How We Heal